Quarter Turn, No. 5

Belonging: What’s Consistency Got to Do With It?

(Bonus points if you sang the title in your best Tina Turner voice)

Before our break last week, we were thinking a lot about purpose, about understanding why we do what we do during routines, activities, and interactions. Since then, we’ve started thinking that the word intentional might actually describe what we mean even better than purpose. So thanks for learning along with us and for sharing your ideas! We really mean it when we say we’re in this together!

Along the lines of using the words that actually match what we mean, we’ve always talked about predictable routines. But as we were thinking about what we want to explore together with you this week (and while also working on a secret project we’re really excited about but can’t share yet), we realized that, from a belonging lens, and within how we do things here at C2C, what we really mean is consistency.

So this week, we’re inviting you to make a quarter turn, shifting from thinking about the predictable steps of a routine that children are expected to learn and follow toward thinking about how to be consistent enough so children feel safe, and in a way that’s intentional, connected, flexible, and child-centered.

Of course, we’re not going to get through all of this in one post or even in one week, but as always, we try to make each post worth your time. So let’s get into it.

The Story:

It is truly ironic that I (Jackie) spend so much time talking about predictability, or now consistency, as someone with a very bouncy brain. I hear from others 😉 that many adults have small daily steps they do without thinking, like the morning coffee sequence, for example. And, I do actually have a routine here.

I get a mug out and put it under the part of our Nespresso machine where the coffee comes out. I get the creamer and add a few drops of sweetener. I choose a coffee pod and then make sure there’s water in the Nespresso. I learned this the hard way because adding water does not solve the problem of not having water. Only turning the entire machine upside down solves the problem. (If you repair Nespresso machines for a living, please pretend you did not read that.) Then I press start.

Mug, creamer, water, pod, start.

Did I have to add the coffee mug part of the routine intentionally? Yes. Because I got tired of wiping up spilled coffee when there was nothing for it to go into. I also recently bought a few mugs that make me happy, and I choose one based on my mood or whatever mantra I need for the day. Somehow that tiny bit of intentionality has been enough for me to remember this critical coffee-making step.

In my defense, our mornings are like Grand Central Station. That’s literally what Sally called our house the one day she stayed here. We have people and plans and, oftentimes, therapists. We have big emotions, support and diet needs, and the ever-changing preferences of young children. We have fashionista choices and hair ideas to attend to. We have a lot going on.

And the more consistent I am about what I actually need to function well in the morning (coffee), the more I can be with my daughters and connect with them before school in the ways they need me to. And their needs change from day to day for lots of reasons (I can relate to this, for sure).

Consistency is what frees me to show up for them. It creates just enough grounding for all of us, so I’m not managing myself so much that I lose sight of the people in front of me.

And the other necessary parts of our morning tend to happen in similar ways, so I’m not managing the people in front of me so much that I lose sight of the people in front of me.

We know we have to eat, get dressed, pack lunches, and do whatever needs to be done so we can head out the door as happily regulated as possible. The “happily” part is subjective, but it's also important for our family on school-day mornings. On the harder mornings, when my younger daughter, Goldie, has more big feelings than usual, it can make things really tough for my older daughter, Juni. When Goldie’s having a rough time, June struggles to stay calm, and sometimes it can set the tone for her whole day.

So we’ve built the “just right” amount of consistency and flexibility into our routine to help Goldie feel okay in the mornings, which, in turn, allows June to feel okay, too. It’s not perfect, but it’s enough that we can meet all of our preferences, priorities, and needs without losing ourselves … or the Field Trip permission slip that’s already three days late and that we’re sure we put on the counter before bed but now can’t find.

And that’s really what we mean when we talk about consistency. Not rigid steps. Not perfect routines. The “just right” amount of rhythm so we can stop managing and start connecting.

For our mornings, we have a general flow, and we can (and do) switch the order. Some seasons of life are less flexible than others. Before a holiday break we’re excited about, for example, we plan the order the night before at bedtime because the anticipation is high and it helps everyone feel calmer the next day. Other times, we move through the steps based on how everyone wakes up.

Goldie usually needs flexibility. Some mornings she wants to get dressed first. Other mornings she needs breakfast before anything else. June tends to prefer things to happen in roughly the same order each morning. So our rhythm is consistent and flexible enough to work for both of them. We know the steps that need to happen, and we offer choices within them. The order can change when needed, and the steps we follow shift pretty regularly, but the overall flow stays familiar enough that both girls (and their parents) feel supported.

Consistency isn’t a strict sequence. It’s a rhythm of what we do that adapts to who we are and what we need that day.

A Classroom Example

A few months ago, we were in a classroom, and a team had a super clear, step-by-step snack routine laid out: wash hands, sit or stand at the table, wait, pass the napkins, pass the cups, pass the food, then wait again for the water pitcher. It all seemed pretty good on paper.

In real life, the children were hungry. Some were getting frustrated. And the adults were very focused on cueing the next step, which prevented them from focusing on the children in front of them.

When we met with the team and they wanted to talk about the snack routine a bit, we, of course, started with … can you guess?

Purpose!

The Purpose Pause helped us ask why children were passing items in that exact way and in that exact order.

The team created the steps of the routine because it was a helpful scaffold in the beginning of the year as children learned what happened at snack time. But the current group of children no longer needed such a rigid scaffold during snack.

The very structured steps were still there, but the need for them wasn’t.

From a belonging lens, this matters. When the reason behind a step is unclear (or unnecessary), the step (and compliance) starts to lead the routine instead of the children and their experiences.

So we worked with the team to reconnect the routine to its purpose. And once the purpose was clear again, the consistency became easier to design for belonging and their intentions for what they wanted children to learn and experience during the routine. Some changes they made (specific to their classroom community and space) were:

• Simplifying the passing sequence so children could access food sooner, which reduced frustration and gave more time for connection and conversation.

• Inviting children to serve themselves water when possible. They could also ask a peer for help, and the team placed multiple small pitchers on the table so children did not have to wait for one big pitcher to make its way around.

• Creating a consistent rhythm instead of rigid steps. “Wash hands, find a place, get your snack” became the general flow. It offered enough structure without over-managing the moment. The team even wondered if the very specific steps were ever really needed in the first place, especially once they considered the actual children in their classroom and their strengths and preferences. They also agreed that if a child needed more support in a particular area (washing hands, finding a place, etc.), the team could intentionally add a scaffold back in that all children could access and use when they needed or wanted.

• Shifting adult attention from running the sequence to noticing children’s interests, facilitating connection and conversations, and supporting children’s needs.

How Can You Make the Quarter Turn?

We’ll share more concrete and practical “try this” ideas on Wednesday, like always.

If you'd like to apply this quarter turn before then, you can choose one routine and consider what you want children to learn and experience during it (the purpose).

Think about the sequence or steps you follow. These steps matter because they create safety and consistency.

(If parts of the routine feel a bit inconsistent, start by listing the important steps and thinking about how a little more consistency in the rhythm might help.)

Then, notice what steps of your routine:

• Feel meaningful and truly matter

• Might be more rigid or provide more scaffolding than what’s needed

• Could help you connect with and focus a little more on the children in front of you

We’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts and reflections.

But First, Coffee

If you’re still wrapping your head around all of this … same. But our first example of Jackie’s morning coffee routine might help. The routine is still pretty simple because it needs to be. Too many steps feel overwhelming for Jackie’s bouncy brain, and too much order or inflexibility makes her want to rebel (and not in the good C2C way, either). Even with coffee, we are who we are, and we belong here!

It’s simple enough to offer flexibility in the order, the mug mantra, the coffee pod, and creamer, and it’s consistent enough that when the routine gets interrupted, Jackie can still find her way back to what she was doing.

Someday, maybe the routine will simplify even more, giving extra flexibility in the steps. And if Jackie starts wiping up spilled coffee again because she forgot the mug, she can always add her scaffolds or supports back in.

Consistency works like that. It adapts and comes back if and when we need it.

A little consistency goes a long way, and a little reflection goes even further,

Jackie & Sally